When the Cave Walls Harden… (the heart)

Originally published March 10, 2013
I wrote this over three years ago. And, periodically, I make myself go back, and re-read. Perspective is powerful stuff, guys. But, seems I’m a tough nut. Often impermeable to perspective. (It’s an affliction. I’m working on it.) At any rate, it’s time again to self-medicate. Join me. 


Holy glacial meltdown, caveman. It’s been quite the week. To liken it to a continental shift would clearly be hyperbolic, but considering this recent chain of events, I’ll take the risk. (Confession: I sorta just wanted to use the word “hyperbolic”. Who knew it actually is NOT an infectious disease? Unless of course, you liken my deplorable writing to an infection… Moving on.)


For those very (very) few of you who may have been paying attention (…unlikely…), I realized I told you that this next post would be coming from the newest, spiffiest, most-recently promoted member of the Cavecloth team, the Caveman himself. However, as we all know… or at least you do now… this little corner of the cave really is all about me. I could sit on my hide, idle, only so long. With all that’s rumbled these cave walls the past few days, I had to get my grubby little hands back on the keyboard and bore you with my introspective drivel. It’s okay. I’ll wait for you to cook up some bacon and return to this post with a strong resolve, and a full stomach, to make it through to the end.

If you’re not familiar with our intriguing, captivating, film script-worthy background story, you can read all about it here. And until this past Friday, that’s where the story was stuck. We were on a journey. We wanted to invite you along. But, up until this point, we’ve been somewhat noncommittal on exactly where we were going. (Don’t worry. We wont ask you to chip in on the gas we used during all those U-turns and detours.) But, NOW… well, geeze. We’re practically breaking the sound barrier with our progress. (See what I did there? Hyperbole. Hang in there. You’ll get it.)

Enough pointless buildup. Wilson, my brave, grounded, uber-responsible husband, after much contemplation, consultation, prayer and a huge leap of faith, committed to leave what he has known for nearly 15 years. A gifted salesman, and loyal sole-supporter of our family, he willingly submitted his resignation to the insurance industry. Or from my perspective, HOLY POOPBALLS! HE’S FLIPPIN’ HOME, YA’LL!

And, THAT is NOT hyperbole. 

We’re still drifting in and out of the tides of shock, euphoria and fear. Mostly swimming in the euphoria… mostly. But, there’s this thing called money, see. And, this thing called a job, which he no longer has, has thus far provided that money, see. And well… not sure how that’s gunna all shake down. But, like I said, mostly euphoria.

So here’s the real deal. I met, crushed on, fell in love and married this really great guy. We had some babies. We had to pay the bills. And those bills got paid when he was on the road. After a number of years, we accepted his travel as necessary, and soon we became desensitized to what was essentially a roommate relationship. Through a series of events, which we are unhesitatingly certain were each and every one purposeful and necessary, our eyes and hearts were finally pried open and flooded with the intense reality that life was NOT what it should be.

And so, we jumped. We started this little biz called Cavecloth, and with high hopes, just jumped in.

What we didn’t realize at the time, however, is that we had only plunged in ankle deep. Bummer. If we wanted to catch those great waves… you know… the euphoric ones… we were going to have to find some open water. And if we couldn’t find it, we were going to have to make it. We’d have to break down whatever dams we had built in our lives that were keeping the full potential of those crashing, powerful, overwhelming waves of fulfillment from rushing in. And when it’s a breakdown you’re after, usually it only results after a crushing blow.
 
So, Wilson… he brought down the hammer. Friday of last week, with a deep resolve, and an even deeper breath, he bravely broke down that dam and knew that, whatever waters would rush toward him, he would, with great thanks and overwhelming thirst, face the welcome deluge.

I’ve had the weekend to soak in as much of the resulting runoff as I could. I’m still having to remind myself that this is real. That it’s Sunday afternoon, and he is in fact NOT upstairs packing his suitcase. He is NOT quietly avoiding me or the girls in an attempt to make this next goodbye less painful. And we are NOT going to have to chip away at each other just a bit more, losing a little more of our grip on what we love and respect in each other.

Okay. So I take back my cotumblr_m7u7akgNCj1r47gi3o1_1280mment that I shouldn’t liken this to a continental shift. This IS earth-shattering. Because, our world as we knew it is indeed washing away, and in its wake, there’s a flippin’ incredible horizon in front of us. (Cue Chariots of Fire.)

And here’s what I’m slowly beginning to realize. (Here’s where the ick rolls in with the tide.) These past years of living with my part-time lover, I have been closing myself off… a little bit at a time… protecting myself from getting hurt. I thought we were making it work. But, you can’t love someone while you’re fortifying the walls of your cave more and more, and gradually moving further and further from each other. Stone walls eventually make for stone hearts. And be dog gone if mine wasn’t getting durn near impenetrable. I had no idea how much I had shut him out simply because I was anticipating him leaving. Why get close? It’ll just hurt that much more the next time he’ll pull out of the driveway. We’ll get closer some day. But, not now…10994322_791363614276200_6174137396877891147_o



Here’s the great new twist. The turning of the tide, if you will. (And you will.) Today, I awoke with a new reality… and be dog gone, a more porous heart. He is HOME. And I am free to let him into my heart again. These walls we’ve built… he began to demolish them with his huge act of faith last week. He’s now living to do the work he loves. Not working to live a life he loathes. And I couldn’t be happier for him. But, selfishly, I’m happy for ME. I’ve got every single day to repair those chips we’ve left in each other. It’s gunna take some time, but time is what we’ve got. Time in the tide. High or low, the tide’s gunna take us somewhere. We’ll undoubtedly have to swim like the dickens or trudge through the muck, but we’ll roll with it together, instead of gasping for air 200 miles apart.

So, we begin a new chapter in the cave. I thank each and every one of you who have supported and encouraged us throughout this evolving process. (See what I did there? Evolving? Cave? You’ll get it.) We couldn’t be more humbled and genuinely thankful to have the opportunity to do what we are truly passionate about. And our prayer for you today, as we give the Almighty thanks for this latest turn in our life journey, is that you too may find the courage and strength within to make even the smallest of changes to better your life. We only get one. After so many chips, it starts to get really distorted. And before long, it gets really tough to remember how incredibly beautiful life can be. But, the great thing is, repairing just a few of those little nicks can remind us that there’s a great big ocean of opportunity out there. Jump in… soften up just a bit. And see what happens.1397830_10152059666885087_486640591_o

by Beth Allison

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